Healing within my alert circle

I’m sorry that it has taken me so long to give an update, I’ve started this blog post so many times in my head, but just never had the energy to sit down and put fingers to keyboard. Thank you if you wondered to yourself “we haven’t seen a blog in a while…”, the fact that I have people who care about me means so much. It would be really easy to pull into a hole right now so knowing you are interested keeps my writing. I did not realize that it has been 3 1/2 weeks since my last update, life has been moving fast. There are really two big things to report, my trip to Florida and my retirement.

I scheduled the trip to Florida within a week of Obie’s passing in January. My mom, dad, sister and brother in law live in Jacksonville, FL and my brother and his family were travelling from Seattle for spring break. I was there 3 days before the rest of the PNW crew and that time was very low key, just being with my family. We knew that once the kids arrived the schedule would be full of activity.

Before I left for Florida, I had been working through my self induced list of things to accomplish. I continue to make a lot of progress with the house transformation, but I realize that I pushed too hard before leaving. One thing that has amazed me through this journey is that I hadn’t gotten sick once, nor had I gotten a cold sore (which is my #1 indicator of stress, illness or a sunburn on my face.) I kept wondering when my immune system would take a dip. Of course, in the last few days before I left, my typical spring sinus situation started to kick up. So I also spent time in Florida trying all of the teacher approved cold remedies (my sister and sister in law work in schools). I can’t vouch for the scientific efficacy of Vics on your feet at night, but it sure does leave your feet moisturized in the morning!

Those first few days in Florida were a much needed time to be still and recharge. I could feel all of the micro tears that I had been inflicting on myself with so much activity starting to heal. Once the rest of the family arrived, we spent a lot of time at the beach, shopping trips for our nieces and nephew, puzzles, pickleball, Top Golf, books and lots of eating. These are the people who have known me the longest and had absolutely no expectations of me while there. We spent time talking about Obie and I was able to share details of his illness as they had been supporting from afar.

One morning, my sister and I were in her kitchen watching the Today Show where they reported on the earthquake that occured in southern California. They showed a video of the elephants at the San Diego Zoo forming a circle around their young, they were moving into this formation before the earthquake really hit. It was such a profound image that gave us both goosebumps. This is called an alert circle which is a “behavior observed in elephants herds where they huddle together, with the young or vulnerable ones typically in the center, and the adults facing outward, as a defensive strategy against perceived threats.” I know that my time in Florida was spent in the middle of my own alert circle, with my family surrounding me.

Now for the next big thing, my retirement from PNNL. If you recall, I had mentioned in my last blog that my boss was leaving for a great opportunity. I had already been discussing with him my plans to retire by October but had not made any public announcements. As I thought about transitions at work, it became clear that this was an opportune moment for me to step back and focus the next five months in supporting my team for their long term success. The lab is going through a period of transformation and it’s time for my team to come to the front and shine. I will be there to help coach but they are all ready. My official retirement date is September 25, 2025.

Since I have been home, I have tried to manage my expectations (and to do list) to avoid overextending myself. I can now see the end of my to do list around the house and I wish I could say this has allowed me to ease up, but I actually am more motivated to get it all done. It’s not a huge lift and the results really do make me happy, I’m almost ready to open up the doors and have everyone come see the end result!

I wish I could say that carrying this grief is getting easier, but I would be lying if I did. It feels like I am making my way through life wearing a weighted vest. Apparently it takes an average of 6 months for people who experience a loss to feel like they are improving. I’m at 3 months and a week, so still a ways to go. But I just take it day by day and do the best that I can, and let the tears fall when they come. Mostly, I’m just so tired regardless of how much sleep I get. I just keep my eyes on the future and know that at some point, this load will become lighter. It will always be there, but it won’t be so all consuming.

I hope that you have had a beautiful April, filled with love and light. Thank you for being part of my life!