The next right thing
As I sit at the kitchen table, looking out the window across the golf course, I am struck by the tempestuous nature of spring. The grass is starting to green and the trees are showing their blooms, but in the distance, dark clouds loom, threatening to storm. The last week and half have felt the same way, tempestuous with high highs and low lows. It has been a roller coaster of my heart, all for the best reasons.
Saturday (the weekend before): I headed to Seattle for an IKEA day trip with Lauren and Emily. As we were walking in, I honestly had no plan to buy anything as I couldn’t think of anything that I needed. My Gigi brain quickly kicked in once reaching the children’s section and the car was bursting at the seams coming home. Seeing Cole and Eva’s faces was a good reminder that one should always listen to grandparent brain. Heart full.
Early last week: My boss publicly announced that he was leaving for an exciting opportunity. I’m incredibly proud of him and know that he will do great things, much as he has with our organization. After working together for twelve years and building a relationship based on mutual trust and respect, we now transition to a friendship. I am thankful that he and his partner will always be a part of my life. The change this will bring to my professional life has me considering how I want the remainder of my career to play out. It feels like another loss. Heart hurting.
Thursday: I headed back over the pass for the Boys & Girls Clubs Washington State Youth of the Year event along with a state meeting for board members. I’ve lost track of how many years we’ve attended this event, we both loved to hear how the clubs across the state have impacted these youth. It is a great reminder of the critical role the clubs have in supporting the kids we serve as well as the amazing staff who make the impact with these future leaders. We always stay at the same Marriott and this year they gave me an upgrade to a room the same layout as the first time we ever stayed there. Obie’s absence was noticeable, they say the first year is a series of “firsts” without your loved one so I guess I’ve got that one out of the way. Heart full and hurting at the same time.
Friday morning: I picked up Alex so that we could have a Gigi morning before he went back to school in the afternoon. We went to Bell Square so that he could run around, then headed to his favorite toy store where he picked out a few things (basically anything that he handed to me) and then we finished with lunch at the bread store (Subway). We were able to laugh and connect, singing to the Frozen soundtrack (more on that later). Heart full.
Friday afternoon: After dropping off Alex, I headed to Chelan with the primary purpose to get our timeshare changed into my name. On the way into town, I had time to stop at my favorite shops and support the local economy a bit. I was hoping to catch the owner of one of the home stores as I want to get some replacement blinds for the bedroom. Luckily she was there and it was great to catch up with her. She had a friend at the store who turned out to be one of my dear friend’s aunt, such a small world. They are going to help me with the design for the living room when I get ready for that renovation. Heart full.
Friday evening: I knew that my first trip to Chelan was going to be hard and for that reason, went alone and only planned on staying one night. Chelan is one of our special places and we loved our time there together. Over the last 10 years, my family has been joining us in the summer and it’s now a place that we all love. I have shared earlier than I visualize my grief as a body of water, most like Lake Chelan. On this visit, the lake was cold and dark and my grief was all consuming for the time I spent in the condo. I have not cried that much since the few days after he passed away, every where I looked in the condo I could see him there. Sitting in his chair working a crossword puzzle or on the deck watching the lake. I feel like this was a pain that was necessary to get through and know that the next trip in July will be filled with family, love, sun and time in the water. I know he was still there with me, like he will this summer. Heart hurting.
Saturday morning: The weather over Thursday and Friday was cold, rainy and gray so it was a welcome surprise to be woken by the sunlight reflecting off the lake on Saturday morning. Of all the times we’ve been to Wapato Point (3-4 times a year, for 15 years), I have never had this happen. I had left the bedroom door ajar and as the sun rose over the hills above Chelan, it was so brilliant that the reflection on the lake shone through the blinds and onto my face on the other side of the condo. I can’t say that this took away the sadness, but it definitely felt like a message that with each new day, there is an opportunity to find the light. I packed up and had breakfast at Campbell’s in Chelan, I love their apple oat cake and then headed home. In contrast to the earlier driving in the past week, the sun was shining and signs of spring were everywhere. I was not in a hurry (shocking) and stopped at the Wanapum Heritage Center on the Columbia River. We drove past it so many times and always commented that we should stop but never did, always having somewhere to be. In this time where some are attempting to white wash US history, it felt important to make the stop and it did not disappoint. It was a beautiful exhibit honoring the Wanapum tribe and it really spoke to my soul. In one area titled “Prophecy and Healing”, there was a quote on the wall saying “Hold it in your heart while walking forward”. Ok, universe, message heard. Heart filling back up.
Sunday and today: I had stopped into the office at our storage unit early last week and the manager had told me that if I had the unit cleaned out by the end of the month, I wouldn’t be charged for April. She also shared how much she enjoyed Obie, having worked with him at PNNL and visiting with him in her new role. She had not heard of his passing and was visibly struck by the loss. I guess I should not be surprised that this keeps happening, he had that kind of an impact. The storage unit was the next thing on my list so that gave me the motivation to get it done. As with all things of late, the task seemed monumental at first but with the help of others, it turned out to be manageable. My friend Caley (who also happens to do my hair) came over with her dad and husband and they helped move my extra fridges around, taking one of them to their new home (beer fridge finds a new home) and bringing another to the garage to be picked up. Tyler brought the trailer over this morning and we moved the last of the big things. Huge thank you to Denny, Brad, Griff, Tyler, Caley, Nick and Troy! It feels good to have everything in one place now even if I have a big job ahead of me in getting everything organized. Heart back to full.
As I look into this next week, I don’t think it will be as emotional as the last one (famous last words) but if it is, that’s ok. I love Disney movies for many reasons, but mainly because there are often much deeper messages within the story line and music. One of the Frozen 2 songs “The Next Right Thing” really struck a cord, I won’t share the lyrics because they are quite sad but the message is that in times of darkness, you still have a choice to do the next right thing. You don’t have to have it all figured out, just take it one step at a time. So while this last week has been hard, there has been symbolism and signs that brighter days are ahead, I am not discouraged. And if I do get discouraged, I can always go with the alternative Frozen inspired blog titles: “Let it go” or “Into the Unknown”. You knew that was coming, sorry to all the moms and dads who now have those songs in their head.
Thanks for all of your support and for following along on my journey!