Swimming against the current
It’s a little later than usual for this week’s update, I had a lovely dinner with my girlfriends this evening. These connections with all of you are what is holding me up as the pull of the grief weighs on me. The water analogy still feels appropriate, at this point, it feels like I am swimming against the current. I am making progress and moving forward, but it is not without a higher level of effort than I would normally expect. I have found that being back to work, even part time, really drains my energy and capacity.
I would characterize the last week as more of a roller coaster, with some lows but also moments of humor, love, laughter and joy. I started doing hot yoga as a way to get my body moving again. I really hate the cold and spending an hour in a 100 degree room moving has felt so good. Shockingly, I am not standing in a puddle by the end of the class. At the end of the first class I attended, I had a unique experience when we started shavasana. This is the part of class where you lay still on your mat and quiet your body and mind in relaxation. In EVERY other yoga class I’ve done in my life, this is the point where my mind jumps to “what’s next” and starts making lists. On Sunday, as I focused inward, my grief manifested in a physical pain which was a bit surprising. It felt like a surge of energy cut through my chest, it only lasted a moment but was definitely unexpected and new. It did not happen during the second class so who knows if it will happen again. I was able to still my mind and relax after that, so I’ll keep this as part of my fitness going forward.
Gertie has a new home with an adult home in Spokane, the owner loved her name and she is going to make a big impact in their clients care. I’ve cancelled the DishTV service this week as the minimal TV I watch can all be found through streaming. Throughout the spring, I’ll be cleaning out the garage and emptying the storage unit. As I work my way through the house, I am reorganizing and shedding a lot of unneeded “stuff”. As I purge the unneeded physical things, I’m also thinking about what else is unneeded as I rebuild my life. I hope to be more intentional in where I focus moving forward.
I continue to take each day, each moment as they come. The universe is definitely serving what I need, there have been many moments of coincidence that have amazed me. As an example, I was heading to campus for a meeting but was going to be about 20 minutes early. I decided to go anyways and just hang out in the conference room. As I entered the building, I ran into the daughter of Obie’s life long friend who had lost her husband. We had not seen each other so it was great to catch up. As I was walking to the conference room, I saw another gal who worked with Obie and had also lost her husband. Both of these discussions just confirmed that what I’m experiencing is normal and that it will take time to get through this. What are the odds that I would see these two ladies, in one of our largest office buildings within 5 minutes of each other?
The full moon has been spectacular the last few days and I got my Obie tattoo today, it is a full moon with his fingerprint worked into the design. It’s on my left wrist, same hand as my wedding ring and opposite of my Cindy tattoo. I tried to take a picture but it didn’t really capture the amazing detail, so you’ll just have to wait to see it in person. I definitely feel the gravitational pull of his presence when I look at the full moon so can now have that with me always.
I’m headed to Phoenix tomorrow to be a part of Derek’s dueling piano debut in Tempe. It will be nice to connect with the AZ Doyle crew, scope out RV spots for next winter and get away from these frigid temps. I’m planning on having the fifth wheel hauled down and keep it there through next winter, a rolling condo for anyone to visit.
I can tell that the times when I have been at my lowest over the last week, I have pushed myself too far. I’m trying to be a bit more attentive to scaling my plans to my energy, always easier said than done. Hoping that you are staying within your limits as well as we round this last part of winter before we see the start of spring. Sending my hugs to all of you, thanks for hanging around with. me as I walk this journey of grief.
Bonus pic of me with my friend’s horse, thanks Kindra for letting me meet Nici!