My chandelier life

Since the last post didn’t contain any updates from the last week, figured I’d share some more thoughts. It has been eight weeks since Obie’s passing and we have reached the point where he has been gone longer than he was sick. This feels surreal, how has it been two months and also how can those two months feel like a year? They say that you are in a fog during the first year of loss, it is noticeable in the day to day (your memory is not that sharp) but it is striking in reflecting back in time. My recall of those first few weeks is very foggy, thank goodness this blog can help me remember in more clarity.

I’ve mentioned before that there is a local company, Hunny Do Crew, who has been out to work on my closet (which has turned out fantastic, a neighbor toured it and called it a sanctuary.) They were back out last Monday to replace light fixtures in the entryway, dining room and kitchen. I have always wanted a chandelier so figured now was the time to make it happen. I’ve been making good use of the Wayfair app to get everything I need for the home refresh. After looking through hundreds of chandeliers, I finally found “the one”. It arrived in a smaller box so I was floored when they started to install it. IT IS MASSIVE! Fun fact about chandeliers, the frame is actually pretty simple but every strand of crystals has to be applied separately. This thing came in what felt like a thousand pieces. It took two of them an entire day and they still didn’t get it all done. They are back today and finished it, it’s absolutely ridiculous but it makes me smile every time I look at it. My neighbor across the street can see it from inside her house, I am now the Clark G. on Hawkstone. This feels like a time of transformation in my life, we’re not going for understated. So get ready for big, bold and loads of light!

Last week was full of meetings, dinners and events. Our laboratory is celebrating 60 years and they held an event for staff and retirees. Earlier in my grief journey, I would anticipate seeing new people and responding to their condolences and questions. I have not been as intentional in doing that lately and have found that being surprised can sometimes leave me a little shaky. It was so good to see so many amazing people that I’ve worked with over the years, but it was also hard to respond. I was flanked by two of my girlfriends who had an eagle eye on how I was doing and were ready to make an exit if needed. The flipside would be to avoid these situations which I’m just not going to do. I’d rather work through the pain and connect with people than to hole up. I know that my continued connections with everyone in my life will provide the anchor for the days when I just don’t want to go on. Yes, I’ve had them and expect that they will continue for some time.

At this two month mark, I would not say that it is getting any easier. I would say that I am getting better at presenting a normal exterior which people often translate to “you are doing so well!” I usually clarify that my grief is lying just under the surface and it takes very little to dip down into it. It reminds me of the water temperature at Lake Chelan in the early summer. The very top layer of water can feel warm, but the minute you get beyond it, it can still be pretty frigid. As long as I gently paddle along in the top layer and don’t go deep, I am functioning fairly well.

On Friday, the honorary pallbearers joined me at the cemetery as we put Obie’s urn with a portion of his cremains (fancy name for his ashes) into the niche. It was probably the hardest point in the last two months as it spoke to the finality of his absence. It was a beautiful spring day with the sun shining, he’s now settled and ready for when my cremains will join him. The other portions of his cremains will go to: Kauai, Lake Chelan, the Columbia River, Elk Meadows (camping), the Blue Mountains (Elk Camp) and into a diamond that I’m having made with his ashes along with some from my grandparents.

Thanks for the feedback on the checklist! Over the weekend, I started cleaning out the garage and will be adding another entry to that list: if you are pack rat, highly suggest cleaning out your garage now. Obie was a planner and needed to be prepared for every scenario. Not quite sure how that translates to 10 trailer hitches, 12 coolers, 6 staple guns and 4 grease pumps. It’s the first time that I’ve been irritated with him since his passing, I guess that’s a normal part of the process but damn, it is exhausting to go through it all. The upside is that I will have plenty of room to empty out the storage unit and Tyler will have a well stocked garage.

I hope that you had a good week and are starting to see signs of spring. I continue think about the notion of strength and resiliency so will pick that up down the road. Thanks for being on this journey with me!

Songs that made me cry this week: “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison. I’ve always loved this song and if I had to pick the perfect song, it would be this. Through the lens of grief, it feels like looking ahead to when we are reunited.

And I wanna rock your gypsy soul
Just like way back in the days of old
Then magnificently we will float
Into the mystic