Checklist 2: What to expect (when you are least expecting)
Buckle up, this is a long one, but could end up being the single most important blog on this site. I hope that you never have to use this checklist, but planting it here in the event that you do. I had some very wise women share their experiences with me (thanks Shelly, Sue and Jane) and feel the need to pay it forward. If you experience a loss, this checklist is a way to help navigate what will most likely be the hardest period of your life. If you know someone who has experienced a loss, this can help understand the incredibly difficult path they will have to navigate.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Your life is going to be really hard for some period of time and you are the only one who can navigate this for you. There are tremendous resources out there to support you, you just need to know yourself enough to know what you need. Ask for the type of help that you need, there will be people who think they are helping but it is on their terms and not focused on what you need. Advocate for yourself. Every person experiences grief differently, so your experience could be dramatically different than anyone elses. Give yourself all the grace and treat your heart with the dignity it deserves in this challenging time.
The first few weeks to months, you may want to only spend time with family. Your friends will understand when you say, “I just can’t talk right now.”. That said, lean on those who give you the most support. Hang with people who can comfortably talk about your spouse with you and not just clam up and get quiet. You will get widow brain or sometimes called “widow fog”. Google it. It is real and lasts for about 2-12 months. It is your body’s way of protecting you from the trauma of losing your spouse. Because of this, don’t make any big decisions related to money, housing, cars, etc. Wait a few months if not longer.
You are not alone! People will say things that they believe are comforting but actually are not at all. You will find that only those who have been through this truly understand what it is all about. There is NO comparison to divorce or the death of a parent or friend. This affects every aspect of your daily life from the time you wake up until you finally sleep at night. Try to forgive them because they truly just don’t understand. So, find a few people who have also lost their spouses and talk with them frequently.
There are a tremendous amount resources out there, you just have to find what will work for you. Here are a few of our favorites:
The Irreverent Guide to Grief I am so thankful for my friend Brad who gave me this book, it helped anchor me around what to expect.
“Afterwords, Helping Yourself Heal” Booklet - I received this booklet from Lions International where Obie’s cornea’s were donated. It is the best single reference for all things grief and was very powerful. It’s $2 to order, but if you are in Tri-Cities or vicinity, I have a small supply and I’d love to get you one.
Facebook group: The Sisterhood of Widows - Private Group for Widows. It is administered by Mary Francis, who is an author and grief counselor. She keeps it very secure and has many rules to keep scammers or bad players out. Just reading posts and comments daily helped me to see that I was not alone in some of the crazy things I was feeling, thinking or doing.
Grief groups: check with your local hospice agency as they will host group sessions, your funeral home may also have a list of groups in your area.
Week One
Days 0-1: Breathe, the world is going to feel like it has crumbled to ashes around you, but take it one breath at at time. Don’t worry about what happens next, just try to center yourself on your breath, deep inhale, small hold, deep exhale, small pause (box breathing). The tears will come fast and furious (or maybe they won’t), don’t fight it, just let it flow. Surround yourself with people that you trust and who can watch over you, feed you and take care of your needs (without being obnoxious about it). Hopefully you can sleep, but know that will most likely be disrupted. The key is to just stay alive: breathe, eat, sleep and drink lots of water. Alcohol may not be the best idea at this point, but you do you.
The single most asked question you will get is “how are you doing?” For the first month, almost every person you see will ask you this. It can become overwhelming, irritating and exhausting. If you have a standard prepared answer, this can reduce the level of stress associated with constantly thinking of a response. I’d encourage you to include as much truth as you feel comfortable. Feel free to use mine, which is some variation of: “I think I’m doing as well as can be expected, but it’s very hard.” You don’t have to make it easy for them by saying you are ok, but you also don’t have to open up the door for a deep conversation (unless you want that).
If your loved one was an organ donor, be prepared to take a call from the organ donor organization within hours of the person's passing. They will ask many questions regarding the health and habits of the person (questions are similar to when giving blood, but more in depth). I was not prepared for this call.
Days 2-5: You will need to make an appointment with the funeral home that is handling your loved one. Be prepared for a two hour appointment. You read that right, it takes some time. Hopefully you already know their wishes and can make the needed decisions without a lot of fuss. Take someone with you to that appointment, they can be another set of ears/eyes and also be a back up for your decisions. Be prepared to answer questions on whether you are going to bury or cremate your loved one and if you want a service, which then prompts another set of questions. Obie wanted to be cremated so I only have that reference point, but you will be asked if you want some of the hair, if you want any metal from their body, if you want a hand or foot cast, if you want pictures of any tattoos, if you want hand or finger prints. You’ll be asked if you want to provide clothes for them to be cremated in or if you want the clothes they died in back, you’ll have to pick out (and pay for) the box that they will be cremated in. You have to decide how many portions you want the ashes to be split into. You’ll decide if you want to purchase an urn for the cremains. You’ll have to decide how many death certificates you want (I went with 5 certified and 20 copies which has been plenty). You will need an original certificate for almost everything you do legally and financially. It’s an exhausting list of questions, some of which surprised me, so hopefully reading this will help you prepare.
Here are a few other aspects that will need to be addressed sooner than later:
Phone and Email: Make sure you have the passcode for your spouse’s phone and access to their computer and email. This is where you’ll see notices for any bills or other notifications that need action. Hopefully you will already have a list of online account user names and passwords. Often times, they will text a security code to the phone, so you need to have access to the phone to confirm sign on.
Financials: After the funeral home, now is the time to make sure you have ready access to your financial resources. Expenses are going to hit and any salary/pension/retirement/social security that your partner was receiving is going to discontinue really quickly. You don’t want to be hassling with banks at this time about their death, but make sure you can withdraw, transfer or otherwise access your funds.
Notifications: You’ll also need to start notifying friends, families, employers and others of the loss. This can be a daunting task, I found it helpful to have a central network that I could rely on to communicate to the broader community of people who needed to know. Be specific about how much detail you want to be shared and with who. I’m finding pockets of people who still do not know of Obie’s passing and if I had been more specific in asking for communication, I could have avoided it.
Obituary: The funeral home will ask for an obituary and can help you get it placed in the local papers where you want it to run. Prepare yourself, the paper charges an atrocious amount (by the word). I honestly think it’s one of their (only) reliable funding sources that remain. Be prepared to pay on the order of $500 or above (Obie’s was around $750). If writing is not your thing, ask a trusted friend or family member to draft something for you to review. When my best friend Cindy passed away, our group of girlfriends collectively drafted her obituary for her family to refine and finalize. It was a meaningful experience for us all. I drafted Obie’s and then asked a good friend to review and refine based on her talent with words. I suspect you could also use ChaptGPT to help get you started if you are stuck.
Celebrations of Life/Funeral: You need to decide if this is something that you want to do in the short term (within the first month or so) or to wait. You will be asked and it helps to know your timeframe. This is a decision that is up to you and your family, do what is best for you. If you want to do it in the short term, enlist the help of those around you, delegate as much of that as you want or need. Understand that you will most likely not remember much of that as you are in a fog if you do it quickly.
The rest of week one: I’m guessing you will get to a point where you are ready to have your house back to yourself, so you can politely let your support team go home. The assignment is the same as the first few days, stay alive (breathe, eat, sleep and drink water). Do not set any expectations for yourself, give yourself all the grace. You will have productive spurts and then you’ll have time where you won’t get anything done. The one thing that I would discourage is trying to shove your grief aside, as someone at hospice told me “grief needs to be seen”. This is a good time to start poking around at different grief resources to find some that resonate for you (see above).
Weeks Two and Beyond
As you start to re-engage with your life, the aspect that I found the most surprising and sometimes frustrating is how much your energy level is impacted by grief. Your capacity for getting things done, thinking about things, engaging with other humans will be so much lower than you ever expected. DO NOT OVER DO IT! Some of my most challenging times where when I had overextended myself. Do not place expectations on yourself. Be prepared for how exhausting it is to engage with people, even friends. Hopefully if you are still working you can take a few weeks off. I returned after 2 1/2 weeks and every meeting was a drain. My first full day meeting was an entirely new level of torture (beyond what it would have normally been!) Grief is working in the background, protecting your brain and your body, it takes a ton of energy. So just go with what your body and mind gives you on that day. You are empowered to say no, now is the time when people can adjust to your needs, you don’t owe anyone your time, attention or energy.
This is the point where you probably want to start getting organized. There will be a TON of things to work through. Here’s what I found to be helpful:
Important Documents: I finally bought a file system to keep the important documents together, because you will need them over and over again. Here’s what is in my file: death certificate, will, community property agreement, affidavit of death, marriage certificate, copy of my driver’s license and social security card. This saves you having to dig for the documents when you need them.
Clothes: Don’t let anyone tell you when it is time to remove your loved ones clothes and other belongings from your home. That is a time that only you can decide and everyone is different. I donated Obie’s clothes within the first month because I wanted them to go to our homeless shelter (it was in a really cold part of the winter) and I wanted to redo our closet. I know other people who have waited months or years, follow your heart and don’t take any shit from anyone on your decision.
Employers/Insurance: You will need the death certificate to start any life insurance claims, each compnay is different with their process. I would start with the website but then usually ended up just calling to get additional direction. Life insurance will take at least a month to process and pay out. The bigger the policy, the longer it seems to take to pay out. When reporting your loved one's death to an institution, ask to speak to their beneficiary or probate department. This will help you get to the right people. When contacting former employers regarding pension plans, 401K information, and life insurance, make sure to ask the employer to look for other plans your family member may have invested in.
Real Estate/Property: Consider meeting with your attorney with a copy of his will or trust and have a discussion about what all you need to take care of legally. Take someone you trust with you because your memory is not going to be tracking correctly. (widow’s fog) and take notes. Take a list of your properties, cars, etc. The attorney can help you with how to make sure it all goes to your name and will tell you what paperwork to file. For example, I completed a simple form, and filed it with the county I live in along with a copy of a death certificate, so that if I ever wanted to sell the property I wouldn’t have to jump through extra hoops at that time because we bought the house together. (I wouldn’t have known this without my attorney guiding me.)
Financials: Regarding things like bank accounts, 401Ks, credit cards, and investment accounts:
For joint accounts, don’t take his name off for at least a year. You will get checks in his name or both of your names and you need him on it to cash them.
Before closing an account, know what recurring payments are being made from the account and transfer the recurring payment to your own account.
Call any credit card companies and ask how to handle any balances. Depending on the state, you may not be required to pay back any outstanding balance.
Investment accounts, 401Ks, IRAs, and bank accounts will typically be addressed individually with the company, be prepared, each one is different and will want different things. Be aware that some 401K shut down the account immediately. You won’t even be able to see the balance until it gets turned over to an IRA.
The Social Security Administration will stop social security immediately and possibly even pull the latest payment back out of your bank account. If your spouse is receiving social security, you may receive a portion of their benefit as a surviving spouse once you turn 60. This can continue until such time you decide to switch to yours. This means you can let your benefits continue to increase and wait until later to switch over to yours. There are limitations to how much you can earn during that time, where they will pull some back if you exceed that amount. But definitely talk to the Social Security office about it so you know your options. Calling your local SSA office leads to quicker service. If you call the national line, be prepared for a wait time in the hours. I have used the call back option with success, you just have to remember when you get that call later in the day.
Taxes: If you use an accountant and were not responsible for taxes, it is helpful to sit down with them and review For Income tax purposes, you will still file as married on your taxes for the year in which he passed.
Longer Term
As you start to settle in your new normal, you’ll most likely still find the list of things you have address seems to grow longer than getting shorter. Research shows that the grief journey typically bottoms out around the six month period of time, and then it starts to get better. But everyone is different, continue to give yourself grace. Here are some things to consider for honoring the legacy of your loved one:
Finding ways to celebrate and remember your loved ones: Based on your loved one’s passions, you can find ways to honor them. Obie loved to golf so we’re holding a memorial golf tournament and working with the golf course that we live on to have a memorial for him on the course. I got a tattoo on my left wrist (same arm as my wedding ring). When Cindy passed away, we had rocks made with her initials on them. She loved to hike so we would place these rocks on the various mountains that we’d hike.
Younger children: If you have grandchildren that are old enough, have them pick something that would forever remind them of their lost grandparent. As an example, Shelly’s eldest grandson picked muscle cars and one granddaughter picked swans because he would take her around the neighborhood to see swans all the time. So now when they see those things, they always bring him up and talk about him. For younger children, I ordered a full size cut out of Obie that we’ll use for some of his celebration events. I plan on keeping that in garage so that when my grandkids have a visual reminder of him.
Watch for signs: The most important thing I can say is to watch for signs from your . Believe me, they will leave them for you. You just need to watch for them, and when they come, you will be comforted and reassured of their love. In my case, when Obie passed away, there was an amazing full moon. Since that time, I have seen the moon so much more than I ever had before.
The grief journey has no path and no time table. EVERYONE is different. Don’t let anyone tell you how to do it or how you should feel by a certain time. Do what comforts you. When you miss your loved one the most, go into a quiet room and sit in a chair and close your eyes. Then just let your mind go to some of the very good times you had together. They are just that close. I promise there will come a time when you will be able to do it and smile.
If you have experienced the loss of a spouse and would like to add to these recommendations, feel free to comment below.