Is it really strength?
I hope you have had a great week! For those of you looking for the typical Wednesday update, I did push a quick post on Wednesday to those who have signed up for notifications from this site. If you want to get an email when I post a blog, just scroll down to the bottom of the page and enter your email. I was pleasantly surprised that over 40 people signed up within the first week. You may have noticed that this blog is also serving as my photo album of my favorite pics of the two of us. Even the adult prom pics, a little cringy yes, but still makes my heart happy.
I am finding that losing Obie has transformed my perspective on almost every aspect of my life, and there are sneaky little landmines that sometimes catch me unaware. One example is music, I have a healthy Spotify “Liked Songs” playlist and it takes a while for those 500+ songs to cycle through. The context for many songs changes significantly when viewed through the lens of grief. One in particular really hit hard this week. Many of you know that I am a dedicated Swifty and have many songs from TTPD in my favorites. “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart” is an up beat pop song but is actually about living with heart break, if you didn’t listen to the lyrics you would think it was a happy song. I hadn’t heard it over the last six weeks but it came up this week, luckily in the car, which is one of the safe spaces for ugly cries. Here is an excerpt of the lyrics that while written about a break up, sure have a new meaning to me now:
'Cause I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit
They said, "Babe, you gotta fake it till you make it" and I did
Lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you wanna die
He said he'd love me all his life
But that life was too short
Breaking down, I hit the floor
All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting "More"
I was grinning like I'm winning, I was hitting my marks
'Cause I can do it with a broken heart (one, two, three, four)
I cry a lot but I am so productive, it's an art
You know you're good when you can even do it
With a broken heart
I can hold my breath
I've been doing it since he left
I keep finding his things in drawers
Crucial evidence, I didn't imagine the whole thing
I'm sure I can pass this test (one, two, three, four)
“I can do it with a broken heart” by Taylor Swift
I have been reflecting this week on a comment that I hear a lot: “you are so strong”. Am I faking it till I make it? Most definitely. I also hear “you look so good”, lights, camera, bitch smile, even when I want to die. Getting dressed up is part of the armor to shield the hurt that will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I know these comments are well intended, it is the grief that tries to suck the positive away from those sentiments.
I find myself thinking “am I strong? what does that really mean?” As I reflect more on this question, I believe that it isn’t necessarily my strength that is being observed, but more about my resiliency. At this point in my life, I have had decades of experience in working through challenging situations which has prepared me for this loss. Interestingly enough, dealing with change and building resiliency is also part of my professional career. I’ll save some thoughts on how you can build your own resilience for a future blog. I encourage you to take stock of your perceived level of resiliency. When faced with a challenge, are you going to be able to bend without breaking?
I would argue that Obie and I committing to our relationship was one of those resiliency building moments. There was a lot of surprise and some drama, we were so thankful for our true friends who stood by our side. But there was collateral damage and we both lost people in our lives. I walked away from what some would say was my dream job (spoiler, it wasn’t at all). I ran into someone this past week who at that time fell into the “not supportive” group. The first thing this person said was “I am so glad that you and Obie had your time together. I just wish it had been longer.” It was a nice to know that over time, they saw that we had something precious together.
Over the last week, I’ve made a lot of progress on the details for Obie’s celebration life events. I am really happy with how these are shaping up. So if you haven’t circled the last week of June on your calendar, please do so as it will be a great weekend to celebrate. I hope you have a great weekend, I’ll touch base again next week!