My grief as a body of water
I hope you are all enjoying a beautiful Friday, it is sunny here and I’m doing ok. Wanted to bring everyone up to speed on a few details and also share some of my thoughts on grief, hopefully it doesn’t get too long!
⁃ Tyler and I made all of the arrangements at the funeral home on Wednesday. When we sat down, we noticed on the screen that it was a two hour appointment. We looked at each other and mouthed “WTF is going to take two hours?” The staff quickly realized that we knew what we wanted and it went quickly. While there, I also made all of the arrangements for me when my time comes.
⁃ The results of his biopsy also came back on Wednesday and Dr. Gamboa called with his condolences as well as the final diagnosis. Obie had renal cell carcinoma (kidney) which then spread to the rest of his body.
⁃ I also got a call on Wednesday from Lions International sharing that Obie’s corneas and ocular tissue were able to be harvested for either transplant or research. I know that he would love that he still has eyes on all of us in some fashion.
⁃ One of my girlfriends had asked about charitable donation in his name, which would be to the Boys & Girls Club. She then worked with the club to start a specific donation mechanism to honor Obie. We are getting ready to build a teen center near Chief Joseph Middle School, where both Obie and I went to school and a few blocks from where Obie grew. They are creating a specific web page for Obie and we’ll include that in the obituary as well as share through social media and other channels. I’m hoping that between the donations received and my personal contribution, we will be in a position to name some portion of the club in Obie’s honor.
⁃ My other friend is building a website where everyone can share their stories of Obie, along with pictures. That will also be included in the obituary and share through all mechanisms. We can them make a physical book out of the posts in the future. Can tell how blessed I am to be surrounded by such amazing people?
⁃ My work family has politely (but firmly) told me that I am not to attempt to come back to work before February. So I have a few weeks to recover from the last 7 weeks. I’m guessing that by that time I will be wanting a bit of normalcy back into my life.
⁃ We are going to discontinue the Meal Train but I am going to reach out to everyone who signed up. Obviously it’s just me now, and god knows I don’t need a ton of food. But I am going to let them know that if they want to have dinner with me, here, at their house or at a restaurant, I’d love to still see them. Same holds true for all of you, if you want to connect, my door is open. We had to manage our energy during Obie’s illness, but we are going to get through this together. So just holler if you want to get together.
⁃ I am headed to Seattle next weekend for my nieces’ dance recital so will get to see more family. I’m also planning a trip to Florida to get some sun and see my parents, sister and her husband.
Lauren and her family headed home this morning, it was great to have them here. I have a list of things to get done but don’t have a sense of urgency. I think this is the first time in my life where I do not need to be somewhere for anyone else, have no deadlines to stick to, no commitments to meet, just time for myself. I plan to use this gift wisely and heal.
In hindsight, I know that I did not handle my grief when Cindy died in a healthy way. I thought that I could strong arm the grief through action and never really embraced it. As I think about my grief now, I am approaching it from an opposite direction. I have had many hours in the middle of the night to think about it. I am falling to sleep really quickly but for some reason I am waking up at 2 am, wide awake. I have been resisting the urge to get up or to check my phone, so I just lay there and take stock of what I’m feeling. Then my brain starts making lists (which is not a new thing). I can usually go back to sleep at some point, sometimes it’s four hours later, last night is was about an hour.
I am visualizing my grief as a body of water, no surprise that it looks much like Lake Chelan. The last seven weeks, we were on top of that water fighting Obie’s illness and the water was churning violently. Now that he is no longer in pain, I’ve been thrown into the water, but my head is above the water. At this point, I am floating in the water, embracing the feelings that I am experiencing. I know at some point I will start to swim to shore, but for now I am soaking it all in. I know that Obie is in the water with me and his love is my buoyancy. Some days the water will be calm and warm, other days it will be colder and rougher. But I know I will not drown in this, he won’t let me and I’m a strong swimmer. In my next update, I’ll share a story about my open water swimming (and Obie’s thoughts on it) that helps reinforce this visualization.
The moon symbolism continues to resonate, last night I was sitting on the couch and thinking about going to bed. I looked out the window and the full moon was in the middle of the window (in a spot where I’ve never seen it before), like it was watching me. I said “ok, babe, I see you, time to go to bed”. Today, my very talented nail artist made me cry with her work. I’m also planning on getting a moon tattooed on my left wrist, with this fingerprints and name worked into the design.
Obie’s niece shared the following quote today: “If grief is what we get for loving deeply, then I know, I have loved well.” So I will embrace the tears whenever they come as they are sign of our love. I hope you have a beautiful weekend, as always, raise a glass for the big guy. I am overwhelmed (in a good way) by the outpouring of love and support, I am so blessed to have all of you by our side.